What Do Women Want? – On and Off the dance floor

As men, we often ask ourselves what do  women want and it seems to be a mystery to many.   ….

Is it possible that what women want in life is the same thing they look for in dance?   I hear over and over again from dance instructors the following statement in one form or another.  “Guys, this is the one place you are in charge”.   Is this really true?  I wonder.

We live in a society today that has taken something critical from men.   Our Masculinity and Authority.  Gone are the days of strong men.

TV has an interesting way of portraying current social stigmas and stereotypes.  TV used to be filled with strong male leads as fathers and husbands.  Men of strong conviction, character and integrity.  Men such as Charles Engels (Little House on the Prarie) are gone only  to be replaced with men like Ray Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond) who are nothing more than  incompetent man-children, barely leaving behind adolescence despite their age.

Commericals barrage us with scenes of the lost and ignorant husband unable to comprehend the simple fact that the wife just got wireless internet in their house and she has to patiently explain to the moron of a husband that he no longer needs a cable to print his stupid worthless document.  Yeah,  I added the stupid, worthless part.

How did we get to a point where our society’s view of men is a hapless, spineless, bumbling bunch of idiots? or is it?

Where am I going with this?   I promise this train of thought does actually have a caboose.

I’m not going to go into how we got here as that is a bigger subject and could fill a book.  OK, it’s already filled many books so I doubt I have anything to add.  So I’m going to talk about it from another angle.

Ladies,  I ask you one honest simple question.  Do you want to be the leader in your relationship or would you prefer a strong, capable, confident, respectful, trusted man take that role?   I ask it this way simply because if I asked if you would want to follow the leadership of Ray Barone, the answer would be obvious….NO.

Now for the point.  I suspect that the same traits women look for in a strong dance leader might also be the same they would find appealing in a relationship.

Last year I wrote a two part series: 9 Traits of a Real Man  Part 1 and Part 2.  Part 1 links to an article by Bobbi Wingham (a woman) and her views on Masculine Men.  In Part 2, I apply these traits to the dance floor.

As a man, I seriously doubt that I could do a better job of describing the traits women want in a man better than Bobbi did.  You may or may not agree with her but I challenge you to find anything negative in the traits she lists.

Read part 1, and Bobbi’s article, then read part 2.  When you done, come back here and finish this one.  Don’t worry,  I will wait.

Queue the elevator music……….

So what did you think?  Agree?   disagree?

I’ve come to beleive that in life, just as in dance,  women want strong men to be in charge.  Not just on the dance floor, but off as well.  Men, We have abdicated our position of authority by simply not living up to it.    I’ll illustrate with dance

Dance is a partnership and connection is critical.  I write often about connection in dance, in frame, to the music and especially to your partner.  Men, If you do not maintain connection to your dance partner, they will be forced to lead themselves.   Here is a revelation for you.  She doesn’t want that.  She wants you to take control of the dance.

In life,  it might be said that she wants the same thing which is  Strong Leadership.   Now before you go getting mad at me, did you read part 1 and part 2?????   Well, then go ahead and read Lead and Follow: Part 3 – I Lead, You Follow, But Who’s In Charge? .

I’m not talking about leadership that is “do what I say or else”.  I’m talking servant leadership that is selfless, respectful, trusted, protective, nurturing.

I’m going to list some qualities of a good leader as they apply to the dance floor.   When I’m done, I have a question  for the ladies.

• A leader will have most or all of the 9 Traits of a Masculine Man
• Leadership is a burden, a leader must be able to gain support from the follower.
• A leader must be trusted by the follower
• Leadership cannot be taken or forced, only granted.  Force does not equal leadership
• A leader must be strong and firm, but gentle.
• A leader must be Respectful, placing her in a position of high honor.
• A leader must allow her freedom to express herself, to be heard, and allowed to grow.
• Leadership requires humility.  Never draw attention to your own skill. Let others do it for you.
• A leader accepts the follower, not as an equal, but as one esteemed above himself and of greater importance

When I go to dance, I like to sit and talk with the ladies.  Well, who doesn’t, but I listen to what they have to say about us men and let me tell you guys……they do talk about us.   I don’t mean to imply that they gossip, but they do comment  who they enjoy dancing with and why.    Guess what,  the single most talked about issue is consistently our ability, or lack there of, to lead.   I have yet to hear one lady say “that guy didn’t do enough patterns with me”.    I often hear the following:

• I could not follow his lead
• he was too rough
• His lead was too soft
• and so on and so on and so on

I can’t speak for the ladies.  I can only convey the message that has been given to me over and over again.  Here it is.

A simple dance executed well and lead confidently is infinitely better than a complicated one lead poorly.  Maybe there is a life lesson here.

In 5 Tips for Ballroom Beginners , I mention two things.  Do a few things well, rather than many poorly and focus on the basics.  This means many things but in this case it means constantly work to improve your ability to lead both on and off the dance floor.

So ladies….In dance and life, do you really want to be in charge or do you do it because you you feel you have to or nobody will be in charge? I’d really like to hear your answer to this question.

Men… Can you be these things on and off the dance floor?

Everyone?  Does this rambling make sense or am I just full of it??????

Tagged as: ballroom dancing, lead and follow, masculine dance, Technique